Quotes by Dave Barry

Quotes 1 till 15 of 21.

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  Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.

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  Although Golf was originally restricted to wealthy Protestants, today its open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

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  And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report.

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  Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.

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  Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

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  Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

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  Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

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  I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

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  I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

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  If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

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  Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

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  Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

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  Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

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  Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

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  The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.