Quotes by Steven Wright

Steven Wright

American stand-up comedian, actor, and writer

Alive from: 1955-

Category: Comedians and humor | Movie | Media | Writers (Contemporary)

Quotes 1 till 15 of 20.

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  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  

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  Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
  

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  Black holes are where God divided by zero.

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  Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

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  I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
  

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  I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it.

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  I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
  

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  I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

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  I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
  

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  I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
  

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  If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

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  If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
  

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  If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
  

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  Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!

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  Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.